The Skytrain

Since moving from Calgary to Vancouver(ish) I’ve upgraded from the C-Train to the Skytrain.  Although it’s not always in the sky per se, I still enjoy it very much.   Well, as much as you can enjoy transit. 

There are always people who are so fucking weird on it.  And the best part of that is, is that no one is immune to being called out as a weirdo.  Weirdos look at me and think I’m weird.  I look back at them and know they’re mostly right, but think I’m not as fucked as they are.          

A few weeks ago my friend Jessica and I were on the train on our way downtown to meet our friend on a chilly January afternoon.  We found 2 seats together, sat, and started chatting as we careened down the track. 

“Blah blah blah” said Jessica.

“Blah blah” I replied.

“Hooooocckkkkkkkkghhhhhhhhhhh”

We looked at each other nervously as we deduced the noise had come from behind us.  We prattled on,

“Blah blah, blah blah blah? Blah blah blah!” enthused Jessica.

“Blah,” I replied nonchalantly.

“Hoooooouuuuuchhhhhgggggghhhhhhhh!”

We looked back to see an older man who was quite disgusting trying repeatedly to dislodge some phlegm from the depths of his body.

Jessica, “Wanna move?”

Me, “Yup”

We got up from our seats and raced down to the other side of the car.  We sat down, our chests heaving, and

What the fuck is that smell!?!” I bellowed at the surrounding transit riders.  No one answered me.  Jessica audibly gagged.

It smelled like rotten Cheetos, goat farts and vomit.  It was so thick in the air I had no idea how it hadn’t infiltrated the entire train car.  If Roseanne Barr decided to douche with water from an un-maintained fish tank, that is how I would describe the smell.  Holy fucking shit it stunk. We sat there trying not to breathe as the train carried on down the track.  My eyes grazed over all the possible suspects.  The old asian man.  The bum in plaid.  The woman who was trying to act like she didn’t smell the smell.  The woman who obviously smelled the smell.   I decided it was the bum in plaid and I glared at him.

Jessica nudged me and whispered, “Let’s get the fuck off this train at the next stop”

I nodded in agreement and shot more eye daggers at the bum. 

The train pulled up to the station and as soon as the doors opened we burst out them and started running down the platform to the next closest train car. 

“Fuckkkkkk!” I cried

“Ew ew ew ew ew!” went Jessica

“Oh my god!!!!!” yelled the woman who’d obviously smelled the smell and was barreling down the platform right behind us.  The 3 of us got onto the next train car and started lamenting loudly about the ordeal we’d just endured much to the delight of a whole new gang of strangers who had no idea what we were talking about. 

I just don’t understand smelly people who think it’s a good call to go into a poorly ventilated, small public space, and just sit there. And act like you don’t stink.  Go shower! Go stand under a rain gutter if you don’t have a shower!  Stinking doesn’t keep you warm at night, I don’t know why you feel the need to cling to that smell, fucking bum in plaid.

Other things that drive me batty are lovers on transit.   I find most forms of PDA disgusting, and seeing it while I’m trying to get somewhere makes me confused and angry. 

The offenders were not nearly as good-looking as this couple

I was waiting for a train the other day and this 20-something girl was getting on the train, and her boyfriend-type character was kissing her goodbye.  Cute? Sure. The not cute part?  She was standing inside the train doors, he was standing right outside them.  They were holding up the train and I was rooting under my breath for the doors to shut and squish them both.  Then she got on…and he followed her!  They had no goddamn reason to hold up that train other than the fact they thought they were being all cutesy and romantic, and there is nothing I despise more than ugly people who don’t know how nasty they are. 

Another thing that bothers me is people who don’t know what size they are.  Like fat people who are oblivious to the people they bump into, rub out, and sit on. 

For instance, this very morning, I was sitting on the train.  In the middle of the cars are bench like seats, with maybe 8 seats on each side.  I was sitting in the 3rd seat, with an open seat on my left hand side, a woman to my right, and on the seat 2 over to the left was another woman, so the seat between us was open.  Now, for the average sized person, you only really sit between 2 people if the train is very crowded, cause it’s not spacious, and it’s very personal bubble-y invasive.   We approached a stop, the doors opened, and a woman who was no joke, over 6ft tall and over 350lbs came in, made a bee-line for that middle seat, and shoved herself into it. 

She sat on me.  She also sat on the other woman. And she didn’t even flinch.  She rode 2 stops sitting there indignantly on my lap with her fat ass and colony of chins, and finally 2 seats turned up a bit further down and she pounced on those like the wildebeest she was.  As soon as she got off I looked at the other woman who had been sat on and she gave me the most terrified glance I’ve ever seen.  She was slight and in her early 50’s and I’m sure she rushed right home to get her will in order in case that were to ever happen again. 

I can’t imagine being so rude as to sit on another person and act like it was my right to do so, but I guess some people are just a little different.  I’m more than sure I’ll run into a plethora of these kinds of heathens in the next few months while I transit my little heart out to and fro school.  So until then, happy trails, and watch out for belligerent obese people.

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4 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Justine said,

    I love this one, its sooooo true! There is always some weirdo trying to talk to you or if it’s rush hour busy, people breath in your face and lean against you! There has to be some FDA regulations implemented when it comes to public transit, lol!!

  2. 2

    Translink said,

    This story is not true. Commuting via the Greater Vancouver Transit system is an enjoyable experience for all. I can not fathom a reason for spreading this blatant blasphemy.

    • 3

      Jessica said,

      This isn’t blatant blashphemy. It is true events. Ones that I have witnessed. It isn’t blashphemy if it is a simple observation. I can’t fathom why Translink is wasting its time defending itself on local blogs, when they could be spending their time improving their services.

    • 4

      ahahahaha…… this is great! And as for Translink, pretty sure they need to ride their own trains a bit more frequently.


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