Archive for December, 2010

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas errrbody!

To commemorate the day, here is a poem that I wrote a few (billion) years ago when I was 19 and spending my first Christmas away from home with my then roommate Carly.

Twas the night before Christmas, at Carly and Kim’s

They were drunk as fuck, couldn’t move their limbs

The bottles were strewn, all over the floor

As the girls hoped and prayed, that there would be more

The girls were hammered, their blood laced with rum

With hopes that their 40, soon would be done

The surroundings were quiet, peaceful at best

Then Kim stumbled into a wall, murmuring, “I’m a fucking mess”

And Carly cackled, from her chair with glee

And soon exclaimed, “I have to pee!”

They talked and giggled, in Christmas delight

When suddenly came, a noise from the night

“On Smirnoff, on Wisers, on Stoli and Bacardi!

I parked my sled here so I could party!”

The girls stared at Santa, as if covered in mud

When he busted out his pipe, and dropped in a bud

They smoked themselves silly, and ate tons of food

Santa’s good chronic, sure lightened the mood

Yet Santa soon made, his way out the door

And left Kim and Carly, fucked up on the floor

His eyes were glazed, as he drove out of sight

“What the fuck!” yelled Santa,

“Those bitches stole my pipe!”


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The Owl

Every person resembles something other than themself.  I once knew a guy who looked like a frog.  And a girl who looked like Avril Lavigne.   I also knew a girl who looked like the black spy from Spy vs Spy

I have never heard that I look like anything  ever, until one snowy night in Calgary, I finally found out what I resemble. 

Here’s what happened.

My friends TJ, Dave, Chase and I were all hanging out in Chase’s basement one night, smoking pot and eating candy.   We were having a grand old-time, there were skittles, runts, gobstoppers, nerds, licorice, and diabetes was knocking on our collective doors. 

We were getting our blaze on pretty good when Chase started looking at me funny.

“Kim, did anyone ever tell you you look like an owl?”

Now, I don’t mind people saying weird things to me, in fact, I revel in it.  But I just so happened to mis-hear Chase.  And what I heard was,

“Kim, did anyone ever tell you you look like Al?”

It just so happens, that Al is the name of my dad, and none of my friends knew him, so I wondered what Al they meant.

So the whole exchange went like this,

“Kim, did anyone ever tell you you look like an owl?”

Me, “Who?”

The boys erupted in a fit of stoner laughter while I sat there with my handfuls of sugar, completely baffled.  I grew frustrated that I’d missed the joke.

“Who?! Who?!”

More laughter.


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