Archive for May, 2010

Transit Trials & Tribulations

Most of us take transit sometime in our lives.   Some experiences are better than others. 

For me, times aboard the bus, train, or even a cab, are usually the worst.

Let me give a few examples,

THE SNEEZING INDIAN

A few years ago I was riding on the C-Train in my beloved Calgary.   It was when I got off of work and I was with my friend Diana, who was in school to be a nurse.  It was pretty dead on the train, and we ended up sitting in a pair of seats that were facing each other. 

A few rows down, diagonally facing me, were 2 Native American gentlemen.  They were drinking Listerine. 

Now, I had always heard of this.  In fact, where I grew up, I heard of this kind of shit all the time, but never had seen it.  Seeing it in real life was like watching a dog walk on its hind legs for the first time ever, so my eyes were pretty glued. 

All of a sudden, one of them started sneezing. Hard. He sneezed, and sneezed, I was counting the sneezes, he got to 7 sneezes…and on the eighth sneeze, he sneezed the hardest I’d ever a seen a sneeze sneezed. And it flew, down the train, into MY EYE!!!

I started to scream.  Diana started to laugh.  The natives kept drinking.

Me,   “My eye! My eye! There’s Aids in my eye! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!”

Diana, “Haaaaaaaaaaaaahahahhaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahhaaaaaaaaaahaha oh oh haaaaaaaaaaaahahhahaa!!!!!”

Me, “Bluuughhhhhh! I’m blind! I’m blind! Aaaghhhhahahahahahha!”

Native Gentleman, “Fuuuuuck man, what a sneeeeeeze ehhhhh?”

Me and Diana started running to other seats before we got any sneezy after shocks.  Diana could hardly breathe through her laughter, and I might even say she was strangely unsympathetic for a health professional in training. 

Anyways, that was fucking disgusting.  I had to wait another 30 minutes before I got home to try to wash my eye out and I was actually super afraid of catching something.  I didn’t even enjoy looking with that eye for like, another 2 weeks cause I felt it was so tarnished. 

THAT FUCKING BUS

In this case, I wasn’t even on the bus.  I was walking down 17th Avenue, which, if you know Calgary at all, is probably one of the coolest avenues it’s got.  I used to live at the top of it, and I would walk from there, to the train station, which was pretty far, but I hated to take buses and sometimes would  just rather walk. 

Anyways, so I was walking, had my Ipod on, boppin away to my music, on a nice summer day.  I wasn’t really paying that much attention to my surroundings, but I was in the lead of a pack of people.  Then a bus went by. 

It spit up a rock that flew directly into my forehead.

It might as well have been a bullet that hit me in the head the way I reacted to it.

I flew back into the crowd, I don’t even know if any of them had seen what happened, so there was a bit of confusion as to why I was suddenly yelling out swear words and flailing about.  This caused the crowd to kind of disperse onto the road a bit, blocking an oncoming cyclist.    Sooooo, the cyclist, decided to avoid hitting all those people by jumping his bike onto the sidewalk, and coming straight for me.  Then I had to make a mad dive out of his way, still screaming.   My dive wasn’t exactly worthy of a Bruce Willis movie, it was more like, a person with broken legs wearing moonshoes.

I stumbled back onto my feet, with about 40 pairs of eyes on me, wondering what the fuck had just happened. Naturally, I started to run away, contemplating if I should buy a fashion helmet for every day use.

 INDER THE CAB DRIVER

Not actually Inder

This weekend I got obliterated.  I had to take a cab home from my friends house, which was the responsible and safe thing to do.  I’ve done it many times before, to mixed results of success.  I’ve yelled at cab drivers, I’ve puked in their taxis, I’ve high fived with the cabbies, and I’ve fallen asleep in the middle of my way home.  All acceptable acts of a drunk person as far as I’m concerned. 

This time though, after me announcing just how gone I was to my driver as we departed for my place, stupid motherfucking INDER decided that he would start hitting on me.  Now I know, obviously I’m very attractive when I’m drunk.  Between my slurs, smeared makeup, and impersonations of The Count from Sesame Street, I can see how it’s irresistable to take a swipe at my digits. 

 But a cab driver is supposed to be a safe resort for you when you’re too drunk to fend for yourself.  If I’m walking in the street and some douche starts to talk to me who might be dangerous, it’s almost more acceptable, because I’m not paying him to keep me safe.  But a cab driver? Bushhhhh League!

Anyways, after we got to my house, Inder asked if he could hang out with me sometime, and I told him NO  But goddamn Inder was a persistent little asshole, and said we should hang out right now.  Put the car in park, and turned off the ignition and started to get out.  

I have never  drunkenly ran so fast in my life, except for the time I thought the pizza by the slice place was closing before I got to it. 

The next day I had to get a cab to go back to my friends and grab the car, and this guy was way more cool.  I told him what happened and he said, and I quote,

“Who the hell would want to fuck a Hindu?”   

His words! Don’t call me a racist….But I laughed.

 

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Losing Weight on Facebook

I have the unfortunate privilege of being friends with a couple other narcissists on facebook.

You might know the ones I’m talking about.   They’re in the process of losing weight, or starting a new fitness regimen, and they want the WHOLE fucking world to know. 

The first few statuses go like this,

Minerva is going for a 5km walk!

Minerva is oh my god, just finished the longest walk ever! so tired, but boy is it worth it!

Minerva is Started jogging today, walking is for pansies! But you gotta start somewhere!

Then all of their friends will write words of encouragement to these fucking mirror huggers and the cycle continues.  I’m all for self-improvement, but I hate people who do shit like this!  They just revel in the thought that people are envious of their new lifestyle and they totally get off on that notification thing being lit up on facebook.

It’s  fishing for compliments on a ‘global’ scale and I resent them for it.  I hate when they show up on my mini feed posing in front of their bathroom mirror with their phone or camera trying to make a face that shows they’re ‘serious’. Or like they don’t know they’re taking their own picture.  Or worse, they somehow get a friend to go out with them and have a self-love photo session in their backyard. 

If I wanted to spend my time being updated on other people’s weight loss/gain/see fatties in minimal clothes, I would just watch the Biggest Loser.

I could just un-friend them or take them off my feed, but that’s not the point!

Get your validation somewhere normal! Like at the bar! Or a whorehouse!

Stop putting your fucking meal plans as your statuses too, fuckwits! Nobody needs to know that gluten makes you run to the bathroom praying you don’t shit yourself on the way there! Nobody!

No one is going to call you and ask you to be an after photo!

God I’m getting worked up here! Worked Up!

It’s like they’re standing there all nonchalant in front of their mirror, secretly hoping to evoke admiration from their 100’s of facebook friends, who by the way, are not all  friends (as you can see here). 

Why not just workout and shut the fuck up about it?  Surprise people with your new physique the next time they see you. People love surprises.

I loathe when people try to get compliments. And when I see it happening, I do everything I can to shut it down. You gotta stonewall them.  And it’s pretty funny to watch them keep trying.

So once again, no real point, just had to get this out in the open, and if you’re doing this, please stop, it’s making my blood boil.

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