Productive Days

Everyone likes to feel productive.  However, everyone’s version of productivity is different. 

For some, its going to work, grocery shopping after a long day, fixing dinner, cleaning the house, walking the dog, doing laundry, banking, etc.

For others, it’s waking up, feeding themselves, showering, feeding themselves again, and chugging vodka before you go to your ‘job’.

Guess which category I fit into?

It’s sad, but I know there’s other people out there like me who give themselves a hearty pat on the back for completing basic daily living tasks, and aren’t shy about basking in the afterglow.

Someone will say to me, “Hey, what’d you do today?”

Me, “Well I ate, and I did my dishes…..Yup….Ahhhhhhhhhh”

The other person almost always can’t hide their shock and admiration. 

Sometimes at night I will drink some wine and try to be creative, think of new things to write about, plot my take over of the world, but then all of a sudden, I’ve drank too much wine to trust myself that my thoughts are awesome, and I’ll start writing something else:  My To-Do List for the next day.  It’s always a barely legible scribbled piece of shit that goes something like this


Wake up!



Go on the Treadmill! Then go on Wii Fit!


Mail Stuff!



Go to work : (

Of all of the things that I write down, I cross off the ones I’ve completed, and I circle the ones that I’ll ‘do the next day’.  The circle list is usually bigger than the cross off list. And I blame the wine, I totally blame the wine, cause it’s hard to fake hula hoop on the Wii fit balance board when it’s hard to stand up at all.  So the exercise part rarely gets done.

The laundry only really gets half done, vacuuming probably will never get done until something drastic happens on the floor, and no, I don’t mean like I shit myself or anything, I just mean like, if I’m eating a rice cake, cause we all know how faulty those things are put together.

You might be thinking that showering shouldn’t be part of a To-Do List cause it’s a totally basic hygienic thing to do, but let me tell you, for me, its serious effort.   I used to live in Calgary, and it was really dry there, and the amount of showering I had to do was drastically decreased compared to now, where I live on the Coast.  It was awesome.   You might be going, ‘ewwwwwww’ but at least it was environmentally friendly not wasting the water and all. 

 Here you kinda have to shower everyday, or at least every 2 days.  This weather makes it really hard to bask in the glory of being a dirtball.   And showering is so time-consuming.  Maybe not the actual shower, cause it only really takes 7 minutes if you’re being quick about it, but it’s the aftermath.

Sidenote, don’t the words, ‘The Aftermath’ make you think of that old TV show called Top Cops? Maybe you didn’t watch it, but you should have. It was on in the 90’s, and it would be re-enacted crimes and how the cops dealt with it and sometimes it was dramatic and scary.  At the end of the dramatization, the voice over guy would go, “And now….The Aftermath” and it would tell you what happened to the criminals.   I don’t really know what I was doing watching that shit when I was 6, but hey, whatever, nobody’s parents are on the ball 100% of the time.

Anyways, so the biggest reason I hate showering is cause it takes soooooo long to get ready afterwards if you’re a girl who doesn’t happen to be one of those people who puts wet hair in a bun in a rubber band and calls it a day.  Girls have blow-drying, lotion applying, lip balm putting on, straightening/curling/touseling, putting on makeup, doing nails etc.

It’s a fucking procedure and a half and I resent it.  And the finished product is only worth it sometimes.

I’m kind of afraid of when the day comes that I’ll have actual things to do and prioritize, but I suppose until then I’ll just keep chugging along with my drunken To-Do Lists and dirty clothes.


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