Accidental Eye Fucking

Have we all heard of ‘eye-fucking’? I think so. If not, here’s a quick run down.

It’s when you give someone a look that conveys your desire to have sex with them.  You look them up and down, or side to side, whatever, and your eyes send the message that you’re seeing them naked.  And you like it.

      This is a good example. 

Most people don’t do it with a finger in their mouth though, unless they’re eating wings or something.

I think that my eyes express a yearning for mischief, where in fact, what I think that I’m expressing is being lost in translation, kinda like in chinese telephone, and the message being received is that I want to have sex with everyone in my eye line.

I never eye fuck on purpose. Well, once I did.

I was at a new lounge spot and it happened to be a total sausage fest.  There were more cocks in there than on a rooster farm.  Naturally, I was enticed.    I was there with a friend, and we had a table kind of in the middle of the place.  It was dim, and it smelled of liquor and desperation. It was perfect.  There was a table of men nearby  us, and I was looking around, taking in the scene.  I saw a heavy-set guy at this table,  and I thought it might be funny to check him out, cause I felt like he probably didn’t get it much. Big mistake.  He saw me looking at him with my ‘fuck-me eyes’ and said,

“Hey”

I stared blankly at him, “Huh?”

“I saw you looking at me, what’s up?”

Me, “No….I just have a lazy eye”                        

His whole table started laughing at him, hard.  I joined in. I started smacking my hand on the table as my friend and I doubled over, the guy sat there, castrated, and the other guys at his table bought us a round of drinks.

I felt a little bad that I might have hurt his feelings, but karma has had me in a headlock since, so don’t feel too bad for him.

Anyways, there are plenty of other times, where I’m just out with friends, or whatever, and somehow, the message from my face, unbeknownst to my brain, is telling people that I’m up for action. 

One of the big problems,I suspect,  is that my eyes are terrible.

They’re cute and all, but I’m blind as shit. I squint, or I just stare. But to some, squinty eyes equals fuck me eyes, and the next thing I know, some lurch is trying to get some. With the staring, I’m not trying to get anyones attention, I just flat out can’t see. Your face might as well be pixellated until you’re 10 feet away from me, and even then, depending on what I’ve drank that night, it’s still dicey.  So I guess that makes sense, if you see someone staring your way over and over, you’d think they were interested too, but for todays lesson, maybe assume once in awhile that they can’t see well and they don’t want you.

But let’s consider that I’m not always squinting or staring. When I’m just normal. Bigtime normal. Why then? I don’t get it.  I don’t even know if I could handle the truth.

I was having a drink with another friend at a pub a few days ago and this guy started talking to us.  The conversation between he and I was pretty standard, until he told me he could ”make me squeal” and that he thought we should get a hotel room “so you can bounce around on my cock a little bit”.    

I didn’t have the heart to tell him that my knees are horrible and I probably would only be able to bounce once or twice before I fell over. 

But that’s besides the point. The fucking point is, I didn’t do anything to make this guy think that sex was up for grabs, so I blame my eyes and the looks they’re secretly sending.

So now I’m really at a loss of what to do. This isn’t a sitcom, so I haven’t got a clever answer for you at the end of this episode.  I guess I’m just doomed to keep making the same accidental eye fucktastrophes and see where I wake up.

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1 Response so far »

  1. 1

    heidikoot said,

    seriously, this is too funny. You are a genius Kim. It’s a book in the making!


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