The Great Outdoors

Due to my fear of exercising at the gym, I have taken up a new habit in order to be healthy, and in the infamous words of Hal Johnson and Joanne Mcleod, I

Keep Fit, And Have Fun.

I have been walk/hiking, or, as I like to call it,  Hhhhhhwalking.

I’ve been hitting the trails, walking on sidewalks, bike paths, regular paths, and sometimes, in dog shit.

Do you ever notice when you’re out on one of these trails, that everyone you meet is friendly as hell? Why? Just because we’re both out there huffing and puffing doesn’t mean that we have to smile.  I mean, it’s nice, but I feel like it’s obligatory.  I walk by someone on a walking path and they’re always smiling as they approach, they give the old head nod, the breathy ‘Hey‘…it’s fucking wierd.  These people would not give me this treatment if I were on a sidewalk outside the grocery store. They wouldn’t do it in a parking lot. Why on the walking path?  Does nature just make everyone more friendly? 

I was walking once and a woman offered me a bag of Doritos and a bottle of water.  Naturally, having parents who taught me not to take things from strangers, I refused. But why on fucking earth would she even do that? I think she was taken aback at my refusal, and I heard her muttering about how no one would take her snacks.  Crazy asshole.   Also, on a sidenote, if we’re all out there for the common goal of health, you might not want to bring chips to source your energy.

One guess I have about why they are all so friendly, coincides with the fact that it’s the middle of the day and they are not at work.  They could work at night, they could be retired, they could be stay at home moms or housewives or house hubbies.   These are all acceptable possibilities as to why they are out and about at 2pm, but doesn’t explain their chipper attitude.   Sometimes I think it’s cause they walk around farting their hearts out and can blame the odd smells on the wilderness, or just power walk out of the air-swamp they’ve just created.

Or it could just be the weekend.

Walking outdoors is also quite more dangerous than going to the gym.  There are predators.  Mainly rapists, and wild animals.  I don’t think that there are any muggers though.  Not many people bring their wallets on nature walks, and fanny packs are pretty hard to get at, unless the pack part is in the back, like the cool kids wear them. 

Back to the predators.  I think rapists are stupid for targeting exercising women. 

One : They are obviously fit, or in the process of being fit, and 10 bucks says that they are lifting some 5lb dumbells at home for toning, but let me tell you,  that will translate into a wicked bitch slap. 

 Two : Who the fuck wants to have sex with a sweaty icky person? Dirt and shit everywhere, probably dog crap on their shoes.  Maybe that’s a dumb point, I guess the rapist won’t be romancing the woman or dragging her by the hair to his candle-lit bush clearing, but I just think that there are better women suited to forced sex. Like those fucking club skanks.  Anyways…

The other predator, is obviously, the wild animals. Bears, Cougars, Birds…

I recommend that everyone get a wilderness survival book, and learn your shit. Learn to identify bear activity.


No, contrary to popular visual perception, this is not tire tread. I don’t care what you say. This is the work of a large bear. And he was mad.


If you ever see this in real life and you’re not at the zoo,… nice knowing you.

Cougars are terrifying also.  Once I had a dream that I killed a cougar with my bare hands, and of all my wildest dreams, I hope it comes true the most.


Fucking birds…

Fucking birds and their shit.

I am not afraid of a bird coming and pecking me and catching a disease. I’d shoo it away before it got to a beak on flesh situation. I don’t even know what disease a bird would spread besides avian flu.  What I am afraid of, is being shit on by a bird.  At least with other kinds of poop, you can do a little hop or skip and avoid it completely, cause it’s already on the ground. You can see it coming if you’re looking for it.  Birds air bomb you with feces, and I’m not ok with that. I’m not going to spend my outdoor walking days with my neck craned at the sky so that I can spot a white piece of shit flying at 50mph. 

So then you get shit on, and your only recourse is to walk to 4kms or so back to your car with crap on your head, shoulder, or even a head/shoulder/back combo, and you have to smile at every asshole you see on your way.


2 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Carly Owen said,

    I would like to touch on the subject of predators very briefly. Yes, I have been the victim of a fat discusting man preying on the active runners of North Burnaby. I thought I would try out a new trail, not really knowing where I was going or where I would end up I ran. I’m not going to lie, the trail got a little dicey and I knew I had gone too far. Up ahead I saw a man, but I judged him. I knew that I could out run him if shit hit the fan. As I got closer I noticed something odd. He was standing in the middle of the trail, swinging his dong around while pissing…all over the trail, and himself.
    First off I’d like to say I was a bit scared, thought that was it, going to get raped and murdered by a retard, but then reality set in, I realized he was a harmless creeper, maybe he drank too much and couldn’t find his way home (lets face it, we’ve all been there).
    Ran right by him, he minded his business, I minded mine…lets just say I won’t be looking for new trails anytime soon.

    Great blog lady!

  2. 2

    Julie said,

    Hilarious. (found your blog via Heidi. loving it!!)

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