Archive for April, 2010

Productive Days

Everyone likes to feel productive.  However, everyone’s version of productivity is different. 

For some, its going to work, grocery shopping after a long day, fixing dinner, cleaning the house, walking the dog, doing laundry, banking, etc.

For others, it’s waking up, feeding themselves, showering, feeding themselves again, and chugging vodka before you go to your ‘job’.

Guess which category I fit into?

It’s sad, but I know there’s other people out there like me who give themselves a hearty pat on the back for completing basic daily living tasks, and aren’t shy about basking in the afterglow.

Someone will say to me, “Hey, what’d you do today?”

Me, “Well I ate, and I did my dishes…..Yup….Ahhhhhhhhhh”

The other person almost always can’t hide their shock and admiration. 

Sometimes at night I will drink some wine and try to be creative, think of new things to write about, plot my take over of the world, but then all of a sudden, I’ve drank too much wine to trust myself that my thoughts are awesome, and I’ll start writing something else:  My To-Do List for the next day.  It’s always a barely legible scribbled piece of shit that goes something like this

TODAY!!!!!!!

Wake up!

Eat!

Ya!

Go on the Treadmill! Then go on Wii Fit!

Shower!

Mail Stuff!

Vacuum!

Laundry!

Go to work : (

Of all of the things that I write down, I cross off the ones I’ve completed, and I circle the ones that I’ll ‘do the next day’.  The circle list is usually bigger than the cross off list. And I blame the wine, I totally blame the wine, cause it’s hard to fake hula hoop on the Wii fit balance board when it’s hard to stand up at all.  So the exercise part rarely gets done.

The laundry only really gets half done, vacuuming probably will never get done until something drastic happens on the floor, and no, I don’t mean like I shit myself or anything, I just mean like, if I’m eating a rice cake, cause we all know how faulty those things are put together.

You might be thinking that showering shouldn’t be part of a To-Do List cause it’s a totally basic hygienic thing to do, but let me tell you, for me, its serious effort.   I used to live in Calgary, and it was really dry there, and the amount of showering I had to do was drastically decreased compared to now, where I live on the Coast.  It was awesome.   You might be going, ‘ewwwwwww’ but at least it was environmentally friendly not wasting the water and all. 

 Here you kinda have to shower everyday, or at least every 2 days.  This weather makes it really hard to bask in the glory of being a dirtball.   And showering is so time-consuming.  Maybe not the actual shower, cause it only really takes 7 minutes if you’re being quick about it, but it’s the aftermath.

Sidenote, don’t the words, ‘The Aftermath’ make you think of that old TV show called Top Cops? Maybe you didn’t watch it, but you should have. It was on in the 90’s, and it would be re-enacted crimes and how the cops dealt with it and sometimes it was dramatic and scary.  At the end of the dramatization, the voice over guy would go, “And now….The Aftermath” and it would tell you what happened to the criminals.   I don’t really know what I was doing watching that shit when I was 6, but hey, whatever, nobody’s parents are on the ball 100% of the time.

Anyways, so the biggest reason I hate showering is cause it takes soooooo long to get ready afterwards if you’re a girl who doesn’t happen to be one of those people who puts wet hair in a bun in a rubber band and calls it a day.  Girls have blow-drying, lotion applying, lip balm putting on, straightening/curling/touseling, putting on makeup, doing nails etc.

It’s a fucking procedure and a half and I resent it.  And the finished product is only worth it sometimes.

I’m kind of afraid of when the day comes that I’ll have actual things to do and prioritize, but I suppose until then I’ll just keep chugging along with my drunken To-Do Lists and dirty clothes.

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Accidental Eye Fucking

Have we all heard of ‘eye-fucking’? I think so. If not, here’s a quick run down.

It’s when you give someone a look that conveys your desire to have sex with them.  You look them up and down, or side to side, whatever, and your eyes send the message that you’re seeing them naked.  And you like it.

      This is a good example. 

Most people don’t do it with a finger in their mouth though, unless they’re eating wings or something.

I think that my eyes express a yearning for mischief, where in fact, what I think that I’m expressing is being lost in translation, kinda like in chinese telephone, and the message being received is that I want to have sex with everyone in my eye line.

I never eye fuck on purpose. Well, once I did.

I was at a new lounge spot and it happened to be a total sausage fest.  There were more cocks in there than on a rooster farm.  Naturally, I was enticed.    I was there with a friend, and we had a table kind of in the middle of the place.  It was dim, and it smelled of liquor and desperation. It was perfect.  There was a table of men nearby  us, and I was looking around, taking in the scene.  I saw a heavy-set guy at this table,  and I thought it might be funny to check him out, cause I felt like he probably didn’t get it much. Big mistake.  He saw me looking at him with my ‘fuck-me eyes’ and said,

“Hey”

I stared blankly at him, “Huh?”

“I saw you looking at me, what’s up?”

Me, “No….I just have a lazy eye”                        

His whole table started laughing at him, hard.  I joined in. I started smacking my hand on the table as my friend and I doubled over, the guy sat there, castrated, and the other guys at his table bought us a round of drinks.

I felt a little bad that I might have hurt his feelings, but karma has had me in a headlock since, so don’t feel too bad for him.

Anyways, there are plenty of other times, where I’m just out with friends, or whatever, and somehow, the message from my face, unbeknownst to my brain, is telling people that I’m up for action. 

One of the big problems,I suspect,  is that my eyes are terrible.

They’re cute and all, but I’m blind as shit. I squint, or I just stare. But to some, squinty eyes equals fuck me eyes, and the next thing I know, some lurch is trying to get some. With the staring, I’m not trying to get anyones attention, I just flat out can’t see. Your face might as well be pixellated until you’re 10 feet away from me, and even then, depending on what I’ve drank that night, it’s still dicey.  So I guess that makes sense, if you see someone staring your way over and over, you’d think they were interested too, but for todays lesson, maybe assume once in awhile that they can’t see well and they don’t want you.

But let’s consider that I’m not always squinting or staring. When I’m just normal. Bigtime normal. Why then? I don’t get it.  I don’t even know if I could handle the truth.

I was having a drink with another friend at a pub a few days ago and this guy started talking to us.  The conversation between he and I was pretty standard, until he told me he could ”make me squeal” and that he thought we should get a hotel room “so you can bounce around on my cock a little bit”.    

I didn’t have the heart to tell him that my knees are horrible and I probably would only be able to bounce once or twice before I fell over. 

But that’s besides the point. The fucking point is, I didn’t do anything to make this guy think that sex was up for grabs, so I blame my eyes and the looks they’re secretly sending.

So now I’m really at a loss of what to do. This isn’t a sitcom, so I haven’t got a clever answer for you at the end of this episode.  I guess I’m just doomed to keep making the same accidental eye fucktastrophes and see where I wake up.

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The Great Outdoors

Due to my fear of exercising at the gym, I have taken up a new habit in order to be healthy, and in the infamous words of Hal Johnson and Joanne Mcleod, I

Keep Fit, And Have Fun.

I have been walk/hiking, or, as I like to call it,  Hhhhhhwalking.

I’ve been hitting the trails, walking on sidewalks, bike paths, regular paths, and sometimes, in dog shit.

Do you ever notice when you’re out on one of these trails, that everyone you meet is friendly as hell? Why? Just because we’re both out there huffing and puffing doesn’t mean that we have to smile.  I mean, it’s nice, but I feel like it’s obligatory.  I walk by someone on a walking path and they’re always smiling as they approach, they give the old head nod, the breathy ‘Hey‘…it’s fucking wierd.  These people would not give me this treatment if I were on a sidewalk outside the grocery store. They wouldn’t do it in a parking lot. Why on the walking path?  Does nature just make everyone more friendly? 

I was walking once and a woman offered me a bag of Doritos and a bottle of water.  Naturally, having parents who taught me not to take things from strangers, I refused. But why on fucking earth would she even do that? I think she was taken aback at my refusal, and I heard her muttering about how no one would take her snacks.  Crazy asshole.   Also, on a sidenote, if we’re all out there for the common goal of health, you might not want to bring chips to source your energy.

One guess I have about why they are all so friendly, coincides with the fact that it’s the middle of the day and they are not at work.  They could work at night, they could be retired, they could be stay at home moms or housewives or house hubbies.   These are all acceptable possibilities as to why they are out and about at 2pm, but doesn’t explain their chipper attitude.   Sometimes I think it’s cause they walk around farting their hearts out and can blame the odd smells on the wilderness, or just power walk out of the air-swamp they’ve just created.

Or it could just be the weekend.

Walking outdoors is also quite more dangerous than going to the gym.  There are predators.  Mainly rapists, and wild animals.  I don’t think that there are any muggers though.  Not many people bring their wallets on nature walks, and fanny packs are pretty hard to get at, unless the pack part is in the back, like the cool kids wear them. 

Back to the predators.  I think rapists are stupid for targeting exercising women. 

One : They are obviously fit, or in the process of being fit, and 10 bucks says that they are lifting some 5lb dumbells at home for toning, but let me tell you,  that will translate into a wicked bitch slap. 

 Two : Who the fuck wants to have sex with a sweaty icky person? Dirt and shit everywhere, probably dog crap on their shoes.  Maybe that’s a dumb point, I guess the rapist won’t be romancing the woman or dragging her by the hair to his candle-lit bush clearing, but I just think that there are better women suited to forced sex. Like those fucking club skanks.  Anyways…

The other predator, is obviously, the wild animals. Bears, Cougars, Birds…

I recommend that everyone get a wilderness survival book, and learn your shit. Learn to identify bear activity.

  BEAR ACTIVITY!!!

No, contrary to popular visual perception, this is not tire tread. I don’t care what you say. This is the work of a large bear. And he was mad.

 

If you ever see this in real life and you’re not at the zoo,… nice knowing you.

Cougars are terrifying also.  Once I had a dream that I killed a cougar with my bare hands, and of all my wildest dreams, I hope it comes true the most.

Birds…

Fucking birds…

Fucking birds and their shit.

I am not afraid of a bird coming and pecking me and catching a disease. I’d shoo it away before it got to a beak on flesh situation. I don’t even know what disease a bird would spread besides avian flu.  What I am afraid of, is being shit on by a bird.  At least with other kinds of poop, you can do a little hop or skip and avoid it completely, cause it’s already on the ground. You can see it coming if you’re looking for it.  Birds air bomb you with feces, and I’m not ok with that. I’m not going to spend my outdoor walking days with my neck craned at the sky so that I can spot a white piece of shit flying at 50mph. 

So then you get shit on, and your only recourse is to walk to 4kms or so back to your car with crap on your head, shoulder, or even a head/shoulder/back combo, and you have to smile at every asshole you see on your way.

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