I have a lot of experience with being hungover. In fact, I’m hungover right now.

Today I suffered from a Stage 3 Hangover, which is the worst kind that you can have.  There are only 3 kinds, so any rumors you might have heard about a Stage 4 or 5, are totally false.

Here are the guidelines to determining what you might be suffering from.

Stage 1 Hangover:

You wake up with slight confusion, chronic thirst, and a trail of dried spit on one or both of the corners of your mouth.  You have intense cravings for fruits and vegetables, or an Egg Mcmuffin.  You might have a slight headache, but nothing a few Advil can’t handle.  You’re  probably mostly feeling shitty from staying up too late while you were drinking, so you should be back in good shape in about 2 hours.  This hangover is also common when you go out and only have a few (literally, a few) drinks and the next morning you feel it’s not fair to feel shitty at all.

Stage 2 Hangover:

This is a bit more severe.

You wake up and your head feels heavy. You’re not entirely sure how you got home, or not home even.  You could go back to sleep for hours if your headache would go away. You could chug a litre of water, and a greasy breakfast is sounding good.  Forming thoughts and communicating them effectively is next to impossible, and moaning just feels right. Later in the day you’ll be giggling about the things that happened the night before, or things that are happening presently that aren’t that funny, but laughing makes you feel good, so you keep it up.

Stage 3 Hangover:

Run for your life.

You wake up and instantly regret it. You can’t think about food or beverages, and the only fluid left in your body is streaming out of your tear ducts. You’re sprawled on your bed, the floor, or the stairs in a position most often seen at the scene of  a ‘pedestrian vs car’ accident. Crawling is your preferred method of transportation. You vomit, dry heave, and repeat. Sunlight is a no go, in fact, any light is.  Brushing your disgusting teeth is out of the question right now due to an extra sensitive gag reflex, so you sit there and breathe your stinky breath. If you can even muster the energy to get naked and shower, you can’t stand up. You sit in the bottom of your shower, stick your head in the spray, and slap shampoo onto your head like a circus monkey. You try to go back to sleep only to be woken up by the urge to slide into the bathroom, stick your head into the toilet and make donkey mating calls. You cry and offer money for people to come over and rub your back. When you finally are feeling somewhat on the road to recovery, it’s 4 pm or later. And there’s only one thing left to do.

Go to Quiznos.

I’m dead serious, this is the only option. You go to Quiznos, get your sub of choice, a cup of the broccoli cheese soup, a root beer, and some honey mustard sauce for dipping, and you should be good to go.

Well now you know what’s what, so feel free to go out there and drink your face off, and properly identify just how fucked up you are the next morning.


2 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    mandy said,

    LOVE IT!!! Omg, so true! Quizno’s rocks!

  2. 2

    ren-eh said,

    The DREADED stage 3!! it doesnt happen often, but when it does, its the stage that makes you cry- by that i mean uncomprehendiblly moan- that you’re not drinking for at Least a month -which doesnt seem to happen, but ive come to decide that declaring never to drink again is so completely unreasonable.
    ahahah and you drag yourself to the shower grasping at the hope that maybe a shower will make you feel less hungover.. but, unfortunately, its not usually the case.
    excellent descriptions.

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